(Your most humble and obedient servant, pretender, translator, admissions counselor, &c., &c.: YES! YES! I promise I will finish the translation ASAP, Your Royal Highness! It’s just I have to first edit a ton of application essays before my dear students make up their minds to use their little pitchforks against me. For a good reason, that is! I promise I will! And I might just have played too much Europa Universalis 4 lately.)

(Your pretender, &c.: My Most Illustrious Master, Dr. Bin Ren, you had made me realize my fault and foolishness. My pretense was obviously an offense to your all-seeing eyes. From this day, your vile fool shall strive to be the defiant, deficient, and disagreeable renegade he truly is. You might understand that in order for him to achieve this, your decrepit retainer have to first acquire a certain transcript and due.

I have full confidence that, My Liege, Dr. Bin Ren, you need only to spell a single powerful verdict with your noble lips, and all my foul transgressions would be instantly forgiven and we may all enjoy our peace. However, I do understand that I, a guilty pretender, am in no position to bore you with such petty matter.

I would return the severance package to and breach the agreement with Johns Hopkins. Furthermore, the Business Intelligence & Information Technology Department of AADPS shall serve Your Grace, Dr. Bin Ren, with its full force. It is a mere shell of what used to be the Cryptology & Cybersecurity Division of the Advanced Algorithm Design & Prototype Service, but my agents and I will carry on with our traditions and heritage and be the swift sword of your righteous judgment. May your noble mission prevail! May the truth be known to all! And may God have mercy on us!

To the best of his ability, your loyal subject have hereby managed to compile a list at Your Lordship’s discretion:

Emperor-Doctor Bin Ren, you might decide the order to send these individuals our message at your leisure, and inform the host with your decision via admin@aadps.net. Your wish is our command, and again I beg for the honor for us to carry out your bidding to the very end!

It is indeed a bold and unforgivable violation for me to say so, but I would like to humbly request the Great Khan, Dr. Bin Ren’s pardon and leniency for Dean Susan Boswell. Though her role in the incident, which your miserable cupbearer will forever remember and commemorate as the Exodus and the Passover of May 18th, remains to be unclear, he would not survive the moving without her or her SUV. Of course, if Your Lordship, Dr. Bin Ren, wish otherwise, I would definitely concur and see to it that our missions are carried out with extreme prejudice and in a respectful manner.)

(Your pretender, &c.: Oh Tim, I just remember who you were. The cheapskate who did not bother to buy pizzas for the teaching assistants of the Physics 101 when they graded the final. One and only one. Correct me if I am wrong.)

(Your pretender, &c.: Your Holiness, Dr. Bin Ren, would be so considerate as to thrice-edit your papal bull with the fine reasoning of saving your poor pretender’s face in mind while correcting his evil ways with your mighty guiding hands (and excommunicating him a second time after five years). Your depraved squire wants you to know that he is extremely grateful and indebted.)

HEAR YE! HEAR YE! BY THE GRACE OF THE LORD, IN THE YEAR OF THE GOAT, ON THE DAY OF THANKSGIVING, THE DECREE OF DR. BIN REN IN HIS OFFICIAL CAPACITY AS RETHINKER & CALIPH OF RENBINSTAN, &c., &c.:

AS I DR. BIN REN, simply am not in the mood of addressing how good the Henry Augustus Rowland Department of Physics really is, I would instead focus on pointing out the pretender among us with my middle finger. I have reported the pretender to the honorable moderators of the largest Chinese online forum for his horrible acts of impersonating. The pretender dare to think he has any ground for advising our finances. And as the pretender managed to actually produce a diploma of Johns Hopkins, I would not expose him further. Anyone with a tiny bit of logic and reason, even a lowly peasant who is not able to read, can see the faults and falsehood in his words.

The pretender would be so kind to remove his previous claim, saying that an anonymous professor (Your pretender, &c.: It is actually Professor Richard Conn Henry. Dick I really enjoy the Cambridge study you shared with us. A word of advice, pay a little more attention to Chinese students would do good for you. But you are in general a very decent guy, consider this the best thing that could come from the mouth of a mean scoundrel.) invented the novel ways of teaching 171.101 and 171.603 from the perspective of general relatively, and also saying that STScI, not APL or NASA, forbids Chinese nationals. In light of this, I will refrain from attacking his personality, professional integrity, and family. I certainly will not accept an apology from the pretender.

As you may know, I am Dr. Bin Ren the Rethinker. I chose anonymity not because I believe the pretender is ever able to lay a finger on me, but because I do not intend to taint the eyes of and mislead my tens of thousands of loyal subjects.

SO REGARDING OUR DEAR PRETENDER:

  1. I will certainly not block him, and I will neither make him a star nor a martyr by simply arguing with him.
  2. My vassal and good friend, Lord Chenxiao Zeng, I thank you for your integrity and loyalty. You should not be disturbed by a mere pretender. And you should certainly not verify that you are indeed a current undergraduate of Johns Hopkins, in case that the pretender takes advantage of you by faking you as one of the students he advises. Your statement properly reflects the status quo of the Department, and I believe the pretender will not be able to take advantage of it as well, for the largest Chinese online forum will have novel technologies to protect your interests and privileges.
  3. We would spend our money to our hearts’ content, even if some of it contribute to the “scholarship” of the aforementioned pretender.
  4. With my rights, by logging into the sacred internal directory, I, Dr. Bin Ren, found many named “Xin Chen”, but none hails from my Department. I would not reveal precious personal information further[, but will entertain the possibility that the information of the pretender has already been expunged by the Authority, which I secretly lead].
  5. The LinkedIn profile of the pretender mentioned Professor Yanif Ahmad and Professor Chia-Ling Chien. But the CVs of these professors do not mention anything about the pretender. Of course, even if the pretender actually worked with professors, he would be so pathetic that he would not earn the place of a single line. (Your pretender, &c.: God-King, your pathetic slave do not know much about the CVs, but he used to be the webmaster of Chien’s group, and he would be so humble as to remove any mentioning of himself from the current member/alumni page.)
  6. The pretender would surely need to ensure the authors of his paper is in proper order. (Your pretender, &c.: Dreadful Tsar, it seems that your humble servant had already discussed the issue on Jan 17th, 2015, which is ten months before you issued this decree. Of course, please do not rule out the possibilities that your mischievous lackey invented the time machine or hacked into the database of the largest Chinese online forum.) Even the fact that the first author was a LinkedIn contact of his does not mitigate such rigorous, holy rule of the Academia ever so slightly. And I certainly read Professor Chia-Ling Chien here, but it is simply irrelevant and of no importance at all.

I, Dr. Bin Ren the First Graduate Student and Community Member of JHU, derided the meaningless reactions of this pretender as childish and deranged, and do not see my esteemed self as his equal. I will not have my translator translating the response from the pretender. It is all gibberish anyway.

And I only have the time to humor myself, for it is Thanksgiving!

An Update (4th Edition) from Lord Chenxiao Zeng, Count de Bloomberg :

I would not waste anytime on a noisy charlatan, nor will I hold your responsible for your ill intent of attaining publicity. But here are my points:

  1. The professor’s name is spelled Riess, not Reiss. As for the only professor you knew at JHU, you are so pathetic to make typos like this.
    (Your pretender, &c.: Sorry Prof. Riess, I don’t actually know you. I meant Prof. Reich. And I will be very careful when I register the domain name of his site.)
  2. You do not even possess the intelligence to distinguish APL from STScI.
  3. And you even serve as a teaching assistant for four fucking years! What a PhD! You don’t even get a fellowship and has to work to pay your tuition! Marvelous!

No more empty words. I have better uses with my time, and know thy sorry self for God’s sake. My readers are too clever to be fooled by the likes of you.

A Statement from Lord Chenxiao Zeng, Counsel of Kaiser-Doctor Bin Ren:

  1. No, as a gentleman I do not lie or insult or libel or attack. It’s just your misstatement will harm the good judgement of others. It is a rare privilege for Chinese students to work at STScI. And your transcript is certainly none of my business.
  2. If Mr. Pretender would kindly remove any inkling of this unfortunate incident, I will remove my previous update as well. Anyway tens of thousands of readers have already learned about the truth.
  3. Please do not bother us or our friends. I understand your unhappy experiences at JHU. Please let the past be the past, have some forward thinking and expect for great futures! And your transcript is certainly none of my business.

Thank you, Lord Chenxiao Zeng, thank you for your earnest support. It seems that a pretender just found a neat way of advertising, and I have reported him to the honorable moderators of the largest Chinese online forum… MISINFORMATION!

A Message Endorsed by Caesar-Doctor Bin Ren from A Consort of Dr. Bin Ren’s Tens of Thousands of Consorts:

I did not bother to finish, but Mr. Pretender exposed himself already. He was just a lousy PhD, and the good or bad of the Department does not really concern him. He failed to get his degree from the Physics Department, and the computer science professor definitely heard some rumors. Surely Mr. Pretender you do not have to be a dick, creating a college admissions agency by advertising as a MA in Physics! JHU would be the victim, and it was nice for the university to even pay you. As for your compiler, surely it does not worth a dime. I mean you charge a fortune for your college counseling service right? Biggest losers be the PhD applicants from USTC.

You have produced your diploma, Mr. Pretender. And I have confirmed with senior students (Your pretender, &c.: Might they be the girl who used to share the office with me, who had a boyfriend in NYC; the girl who took my place and got a fellowship from the department, and later on wrote to me for help despite all the detailed specifications I left so I had to permanently delete my old personal Gmail account zipspeed@gmail.com; and her boyfriend who got my old desk for like $10? Your Highness, I would be more than privileged and honored to reacquaint these fine Ladies and Lords, or lasses and lads, if Your Highness would be so kind to introduce them to me.) that Mr. Pretender has indeed be expelled. Then I will have nothing more to say. Do not distinguish STScI and APL is practically a crime!

And you certainly have some academic integrity issue with the order of the authors thing. I don’t bother to consult Prof. Weigang Wang, even if he is your LinkedIn contact.

I appreciate your deleting your gibberish. But I, Dr. Bin Ren, certainly did not, do not, and will not insult you. If you feel violated, please do forgive me if you will.  (Your pretender, &c.: Sure, whatever you like, My Dearest Defender and Brother.)

{Placeholder of a deleted comment, deleted by I myself, Tsar-Dr. Bin Ren the Benevolent}

You know what, any cats (Your pretender, &c.: By cats, Your Eminence meant chicks, mayhap?) that fucked you, I fuck them back for you.

(Your pretender, &c.: According to the Bible, Your Highness would not be able to know your consorts or any fair damsel that is agreeable to your all-seeing eyes without your balls. You seemed to have lost them somewhere else the other day. Might I have the honor to fetch them for you?)

知道大家看不懂，又贴心翻译成了中文： [＋]

(Your pretender, &c.: Sir you can actually write English!)

I hereby decree and reiterate: If Mr. Pretender would kindly remove any inkling of this unfortunate incident, I will arrange so that any mentioning of Mr. Pretender be removed as well. Anyway tens of thousands of readers have already learned about the truth.

(Your pretender, &c.: Your Honor only have to command your faithful stableboy!)

And regarding the racial issues, would Mr. Pretender be so kind to remind yours truly? I will have none of this.

(Your pretender, &c.: Aye, as your wretched scullion, I see no other alternative but to respectfully follow your order, M’Lord!)